Since 1985, the American Library Association have been trying to get celebrities to do what parents and the school system can’t: get kids to read.

Starting with the first lineup of Bette Midler(?), Bill Cosby, Sting, and… uh… Mikhail Baryshnikov, the ALA has been pumping out a poster series showcasing stars holding a book of their choice, y’know, for the kids. I remember the one in my school featured the cast of “My Girl“, ever reminding me of Macaulay Culkin’s character’s impending death (by bees).

The posters feature personalities from almost any arena: comedy, film, TV, spots, music, science, or current events. You can even make a suggestion on their website.

I was at the library yesterday and came across a few, and then like the sick twisted person I am, I googled more when I returned home. I would like to share them with you.

I hope that is OK.

Kareem Abdul Jabar / Alando Tucker
I’ll start with the one above, because I have some theories.A lot of athletes don’t finish school, and if they did it’s only so they could play for the college team. Plenty of them were even scooped in high school and just got a ticket to fame and fortune without having to do much reading. The ALA knows this, and they have to remind kids that no, your dreams will not come true. Chances are pretty slim that you’ll make a living out of playin ball, so you better pay attention in school and read, motherfucker. I haven’t seen “Hoop Dreams” yet, but I’m sure I could use it to illustrate my point if I had. My other theory is that its good to have Kareem Abdul Jabar around in a library in case someone needs to get something off the top shelf. I don’t know who the other guy is.

Yoda- I guarantee the response rate to this call to action is very favorable. Also, having Yoda only say one word talking like this prevents him from.

Alan Rickman- Plays the evil Professor Snape in the “Harry Potter” movies, so no child will ever do what he tells them to do because they can never trust him.

Anthony Hopkins- Because at retirement homes, all anyone does is read. Also, not sure how many kids caught “The Silence of the Lambs.”

Orlando Bloom- lives in the bell tower of a Victorian Cathedral. This one will work, as all the wee lasses will head to their local reading hole hoping to catch a snag from this charming bloke.

Yo Yo Ma- Across the country, millions of young Asian children are suddenly realizing why their parents forced them to take up the violin. He’s reading “Goodnight Moon,” because he reads it to his kid every night. Presumably because his kid is also named Moon, and thinks the book is about him.

Harrison Ford -was quietly reading on his vacation property in Arizona when a photographer rudely interrupted him to take this photo.

Stephen Hawking- is…um….*cough*

Barrack Obama – President of the United States of…

America Ferrera -because if anyone reads, its ugly people.

Abigail “Little Miss Sunshine” Lastname -This one just makes me uncomfortable. It also illustrates the ulterior motive some of these stars have by showcasing whatever project they’re currently peddling, in this case the “Kit Kittredge: An American Girl” book that was conveniently adapted for film so as to bypass the whole “reading’ thing.

Bernie Mac -says “READ…. my obituary.”

Steve Martin-This is actually the one I saw at the library yesterday and compelled me to write this. It’s fantastic. I think he’s reading something called “Metaphysical Thematics”, which is fancy for “philosophy.” Martin was actually a philosophy major before going into comedy, having woken up one day and thought to himself, “What am I gonna do? Open a philosophy store?” Also, he has written 2 novels I know of, “The Pleasure of My Company,” and “Shopgirl“, the latter of which was adapted into a movie starring Martin and Claire Daines. I recommend both of them.

If you were ever wondering who the third wheel was in the Twilight Saga, look no further than these posters. I’m not sure why they’re reading these books, I’m pretty sure they already know the ending. Also notice that since these guys are super cool, they can be found “@” your local library.

Cindy Crawford- is looking damn fine, and that’s all I have to say about that. I can’t tell what she’s reading, but I’m guessing it’s a copy of “Redbook.”

Antonio Banderas- much gusto la biblioteca. Actualmente tiene siete libros en su casa, todo acerca de cómo Pancho Villa rescató a su pueblo de una matador mal mutante.

Michael Keaton- is at a saloon?

Mohamed Ali- floats like a butterfly, reads like a bear.

Well there are plenty more posters where that came from, and you can buy them if you want. I’d share the link, but then you’d just go there to see them, and they don’t make any sense without the culturally insensitive context I gave them.

The best part of all, however, is that there seems to be some way you can get your own, personalized, READ poster. Alot of people have. The results are amazing. I will be back with both another celebrity and noncelebrity edition. Until then, here’s a taste:

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