Batman. The Dark Knight. The Caped Crusader. The World’s Greatest Detective.

Whatever you know him as, Batman has shaped your life more than you will ever know.

This is a man of dedication. A man of passion. A man of pursuit. But first and foremost, he is a man of doing shit like this:

Ahhhh. As refreshing as a summer’s morn’.

Of all the superheroes, Batman is the one with the most shit together. He is always 5 steps ahead of anyone. Justice Leagues calls him to tell him there’s a fire at the Watchtower? Shiiit, he put it out last Wednesday.

But everyone, even Batman, makes mistakes. But unlike all of us, Batman’s exploits are chronicled and printed for the masses, making even the slightest error magnified for all to see, scan, and share. This can be exploited. Batman is THE man, but today, I’m gonna do my best to make him look like a chump.

Sure, it’s cool when Batman beats up his rogues gallery. But what happens when he doesn’t get his man? What does a man do when he has completely and utterly failed?

That’s right: NYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Bane already thought you were pathetic before you even said that, dude. Keep it together.

You’ll have to excuse Batman in the ensuing panels. In the context of the story, everyone has escaped from Arkham and he’s gotta take them all down.

But here’s the twist: He’s reawwy reawwy tiwed. Which leads the usually meticulously prepared vigilante to be caught off guard:

He legitimately looks scared shitless, doesn’t he? I mean, I would too, if some massive dude was about to bite my dick off.

Let’s check in with his parter, the often-mocked Robin, and see if he’s faring any better:

Well, he’s uh, doing a little better, I guess. But wow. What a cheap trick. He knows it too, look at that look on his face. It’s like he’s going to eat that thing raw.

I thought Robin liked birds?

Batman, meanwhile, continues to get his ass handed to him by the massive dick biter. As you can see here, he is thrown across the room upside down with his feet dangling out of the panel:

With that and the “krassssh” sound effect, all it’s missing are a few cartoon pain stars to make it a Mad Magazine Don Martin cartoon:

Ok gang, it’s that time again. Gear up, shape up, or ship out, because it’s time to play

WHERE’S

BATMAN’S

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE

(crowd goes wild)

At the risk of making an obvious joke, it also kinda looks like he’s taking a dump.

In this next frame, Batman demonstrates the cardinal rule of mentoring: To maintain loyalty, conceal your drinking problem from your protégé.

Batman is getting so sweepy that he even fucks up his signature move of falling, then throwing his grappling hook onto whatever is around. Usually something is.

Unff! Couldn’t have said it better myself. I have never swung against a fire escape before, but I can assure you that my go-to onomatopoeia would be BTANKT too.

Next up, Bane drops a revelation I think most of us could’ve done without:

Uh-huh. Was bolding the word really necessary? I think we got it. Bane’s identification skills may be admirable, but this is one of the times that you don’t wanna find out how the sausage is made, “Bird”.

However, if Batman’s manhood is ever called into question, never forget that he’s probably the only person I know who can deliver a bitch-slap remotely:

He’s not above a good old fashioned tit-kick, either.

Well, that’s all for now. I hope you all have a happy holiday, because I’m pretty sure Batman won’t be:

Until next time: NNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRR

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