Have you ever tried McDonald’s? If you haven’t, you should. It’s really good.

As good as McDonald’s food is, sometimes their commercials are even better. I appreciate their efforts in informing me of the existence of the greatest food in the world, and it’s subsequent reminders of that existence thereafter. With all the what I like to call “hubub” going in the world today, it’s comforting to know that McDonald’s is out there, caring deeply about each and every customer they serve (but particularly me).

It’s this time of year that it really gets to me. McDonald’s goes the extra mile, forgoing it’s usual fare involving positive reinforcement for children under pressure and debatable drug influences.

This time of year, McDonald’s teaches us how to love again. The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and in that sense McDonald’s has been raping the shit out of me every holiday season I can think to remember.

Let’s take a stroll down memory lane to revisit some of those emotional and physical violations we may or may not have experienced throughout the years.

This is great, because it appears the cast of Bambi flaked (so to speak) at the last minute, but the producers got some other, less anthropomorphic, animated woodland critters to fill in in the nick of time.

The story is a tale as old as time. Child goes skating with friends. Child is clumsy and weak. Friends decide he is weakest link and not worth saving. Friends leave child for dead to be eaten by animated deer to go hang out with local spinster clown who is way better at ice skating. Just when circle of life is almost complete, ice skating clown saves child from certain death. Life is affirmed.

Gift certificates. The greatest gift of all. Why get something now when you can go exert effort into getting something later. Why must the transaction be completed so soon? It is not the reward that is rewarding, but the journey.

Santa is going to be psyched when he realize that he just needs one more to get a 4 piece nugget from the dollar menu.

Whoa. That was heartbreaking/ confusing. Ronald has spent his lifetime searching for a perfect companion, and when he finally finds it, he knows it’s best to let his roam free. No one can “own” a star. You know those gifts that people give on TV sometimes but I’m not sure actually exist where people give another person a star? Those are bullshit, man. You may as well accept a blood diamond from an African warlord, asshole.

How were they able to hold a star with their bare hands? It’s this kind of inconsistency that my suspension of disbelief allows to slide due to the warmness my body produces when experiencing this sequence of images.

I had one of these. Why wouldn’t I? Muppet Babies were the shit and they sold them at McDonald’s.

What’s good about these stuffed animals is that they’re hug whores. While it can be assumed most plushes can be fondled if approached accordingly, these babies of the night make no bones about it. That’s what they’re there for. Sleep with them, cuddle them, pour chocolate syrup on them in the shower, it’s up to you.

But never forget, no matter what you feel during the process, it means nothing to them.

So I guess this one is from Australia or something? This one almost ruined Christmas for me. Who plays charades on Christmas? Why does that old lady think that pounding your chest like an ape means “Brokeback Mountain“? WHY IS BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN MENTIONED IN A MCDONALD’S CHRISTMAS COMMERCIAL

Well there is one redeeming token I will walk away with. No matter how big of an asshole (big of assholes?) your family is being, you can always make a secret tunnel to go eat your way out of the depression, staving off leaving them for just one more day.

After all, it’s the holidays.

What the fuck is wrong with that dude.

No idea what’s going in that first part, except I will say I am less than surprised Grimace is a music producer.

The second half showcases a shitty gesture laced with good intentions, when McDonald’s decides to provide lesser versions of the real toys poor kids want but parents can’t afford. But hey, who wouldn’t want something called “Attack Pack”?

Christmas = A Shark Car That Eats People/ Other Shark Cars

Well, that’s all I could find. If there were any Hebrews that felt left out not having their traditions translated into more savory contexts, I found this:

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