I have come across a matter that concerns, no – DEMANDS, both my own and the nation’s immediate attention. A new program titled “Lopez Tonight” is debuting…. oh, how about that….tonight! There is one problem. If the general public is anything like myself, we are dangerously unaware of the nature of this program. Ladies and gentlemen, I am indeed highly informed regarding matters such as these, but sometimes, even the most important media phenomena manage to slip through the cracks of my radar.

Luckily, once I was informed of its existence, the internet graciously provided me with a generous amount of press materials regarding this revolutionary program. I am going to assume that you, like me, know nothing about this “Lopez Tonight.” So together, as a team, we will sort through these present day artifacts and try to decipher what exactly makes a night “Lopez”. Like all great scientific observations, however, we will strive to be as objective as possible.

The first thing I encountered was this image:

What can we conclude from this glorious piece of art? Here are some hypotheses I have been working on:

1. “Lopez” is a man, who we can safely conclude possesses a head, if nothing else.
2. The font indicates he is a member of some kind of California street gang
3. His head emits rays and the earth may or may not revolve around it’s center of gravity.
4. Although the name and physical appearance derives from Latin roots, the nature and presentation of his head may or may not indicate Japanese origins.
5. He is tonight.
6. His marketing team is the brains behind every other advertisement ever made. Although overused, the rising sun flag motif has proven effective in its goals when appropriated in previous endeavors:

Let’s move on to the next exhibit:

1. It has been confirmed that Lopez does indeed possess an upper torso at the very least. The status of his right pinky and ring finger remain suspect, however.
2. It premieres tonight, 11/10 c only on TBS! Whoever is making marketing for Lopez is sincerely excited about him.
3. The program is rated TV-14, leading me to assume that Lopez is offensive and profane.
4. He has kidnapped several thousand people in what may or may not be a survival-of-the-fittest death match in which the last man standing wins a prize of some sort.
5. Late night once had a party, but it is currently absent. Also, George Lopez likes drinking and/or doing drugs enough to incorporate those activities in whatever project he may be pursuing.

Next up is this patriotic little chesnut:

1. George Lopez does infact contain all fingers (which he shamelessly showboats)  and a lower torso.
2. He lives in, likes America, or possesses the uncanny ability to pose in front of it’s flag.
3. He may or may not be a Latin AMERICAN.
4. He may or may not be an arachnid of some sort.
5. Whatever Lopez has to say will not be loud enough without audio enhancement devices.
6. Lopez has the funds to purchase not only a suit, tie and shirt, but matching socks and shoes. The origins of the term “fashionista” become abundantly clear.

1. It has been confirmed that George Lopez is fond of partying
2. Although his exact Latin roots have yet to be pinpointed, I am begining to suspect Puerto Rican origins due to the “parade” like nature of this advertisement.
3. George Lopez has a bus. It is possible it is what he used to transport the party goers of the aforementioned advertisement.

I had to conclude my research with this piece here, for I fear the ethical ramifications of continuing further. Scroll down at your discretion. There is no turning back:

1. George Lopez is a horrible person and no one in their right conscience should view this program under any circumstances.

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